I need somewhere to vent to God and I think I'll use this as the outlet. I know I could just talk to Him out loud, and I do, but sometimes the words just flow so much easier when I write them. It's like there is a direct line from my heart to the keyboard or the pencil or pen and it just flows flows flows like a river out of me. A muddy river, but a river nonetheless.
I should have kept writing. In these months, now years, between my engagement and now having been married for over a year... so much has happened, as you would expect. So much has happened inside of me, so much has happened around me, so much has happened to me, so much has happened because of me, so much has happened in spite of me. Just so much. I don't even know where to start or how to explain what all I feel.
When you grow up, you start to see things that you wish you didn't that were actually there all along. I guess that's what innocence is. Not being able to see something that's right in front of you. The thing is, growing up is the process where you start to see really ugly things inside of you, so you start to hide those parts of you, like Adam and Eve did in the garden. Like the more you really know yourself the more uncomfortable you are. The problem is, just like with Adam and Eve, we weren't meant to live like that. So everybody is uncomfortable and it just gets overwhelming and so people start to go a little crazy because it's just too much.
That's a really silly diagnosis of what is wrong with the world, but it makes sense in my head.
I don't have any kids yet, but I hope that one day I will, and I already think about them daily. I already feel like I love them, but I know that this love I feel right now will be nothing in comparison to how I feel when they actually exist. Still, I feel this warm place in my heart that they already totally encompass. And when I think about them, which is often, I think about how I want them to know me. Really know me. I don't want to be a person that hides who I am, even the ugly parts. I want to be honest. I want them to feel like they are safe with me because they know all there is to know- no secrets, no buried mistakes that I won't answer questions about, no moment where they ever feel like they have to question who I am or what kind of decision I would make. I want them to have it all, up front. All of who I am. That way, if they choose to love me the way that I hope they do, I'll know that they really, really love me. ME. Not just me as their mom but me as a person, you know? They'll love me fully and wholly because they KNOW me fully and wholly.
I didn't get that with my parents. Not at all. And it really messed with me. Still does. And it really messes with my brothers.
I hear these stories about my mom and my dad from other people and honestly, I feel like in some ways, they are both strangers to me. There are things they have done that I don't know the truth about. I'm not really certain who is the bad guy and who is the good guy. I think I know, deep down in my heart, that you can't really label people as "bad" or "good." It's just not that simple. But my mind just won't let it rest. It's like I'm grasping for something completely out of reach, like my brain desperately needs for this to be black and white even though I know it never will be. It would be way too easy that way. If I could just know who is who, which is which, the victim and the victor, maybe it wouldn't be so damn hard to love them both equally. Maybe it would make more sense. Maybe I could understand.
I just don't understand how you can love someone and then all the sudden you don't and you "never really did." Were you, are you, lying to yourselves... or were you, are you, lying to us? What is the truth? Who are you, Mom? Who are you, Dad? Do you really love me? Or do you even know what love is?
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