Sunday, November 26th, 2017

These are my favorite memories. The sporadic ones, the ones that happen on a whim, the spontaneous, jump-in-the-car-at-midnight ones. These are the moments where life feels solid, like something I can stand on and put all my weight on. Something I can breathe against.

Sunday night we finally had some time, just Brady and I, to spend putting up our Christmas tree. Brady had actually already put the tree up a few days before, on Thanksgiving, but the top of it is slightly crooked (it has been since we first bought it, but we somehow made it work last year). So we're about to start putting lights around it when Brady looks at the tree, looks back at me, and says, "Let's go get a new one. Let's just do it."

Money has been tight ever since we got back from our California trip in September. We're busier than ever. The combination of a full schedule and an empty bank account leads to some very distressed and exhausted people. So, we've had our fair share of arguments. But tonight, this night I'm telling you about, we decided to prioritize our marriage and its memories above anything else. We didn't have a lot of money in the bank, but our bills for the month were already paid and, you know what? IT'S CHRISTMAS! We love Christmas. And we love each other.

So we hopped in the car at nine o' clock on a Sunday night, even though we both had to work early in the morning, and we went hunting for our perfect tree. We tried Lowe's but they were closed. We didn't let that stop us. We drove further. We went to Target and we found the one! So full and beautiful. It was on sale for $103.99, which was more than either of us wanted to spend. Again, Brady says, "Let's do it." And I loved him for it.

We take it to the register and walk out with a receipt for $67.08. Not sure how it was on sale even more or of it was simply a Christmas miracle. Either way, we drove home, holding hands, and Brady spent the rest of the evening perfecting the branches.

And I don't care how simple or silly this story may seem. These are the moments I live for. The simple, the quiet, the risk-taking moments. The ones that don't boast, that aren't planned out perfectly, that aren't organized even in the least bit. The ones that mimic love completely: raw, vulnerable, spontaneous, loyal, passionate. The ones where love shines as bright as the star on top of the Christmas tree; boldly, profoundly, symbolically. The ones where love is more important than sleep, money, a clean house, laundry, our own selfish desires. The ones where love wins.

Happy Thanksgiving. I'm grateful for it all.

Donut be discouraged

I'm feeling so frazzled today, but it's more than that. I'm exhausted. The kind of exhausted that wears down your bones and seeps into your soul and makes you feel permanently trapped. I don't know what to do. There's certainly no end in sight. I'm working a full-time job, a part-time job in ministry (which we all know is impossible, so basically I'm working another full-time job), and I'm in school full-time online. I don't know why I thought I could do it all. I'm just trying to be the best person that I can be in order to provide as much as I can for my future family. But if my brightness dims in the process, if I lose part of who I am, is it even worth it?

I'm scared to talk to anyone about it. Brady is exhausted too. I don't want to stress him out even more or make him more tired. I know he gets frustrated at me for not being able to handle it all. Pastor Justin really stresses me out and makes me feel afraid. Anytime I even slightly disagree with him, he freaks out. I know that isn't a good sign, but I don't want to lose our relationship. I think we're losing it anyway, though, because I'm crawling more and more into my shell. I know I need to just be honest, but I'm afraid that he'll get angry, which will push me away even further. My mom has never been a person that I can open up to. My dad hasn't been in a long, long time.

I feel alone. I don't feel depressed. I don't feel hopeless. I believe that there is always hope. It's like staring into a mirror for the first time in a long time. I just see exactly where I'm standing. And I know I won't stand here forever. But right now, it feels difficult to move.

Well, I do have some good news. I think I just ate the best donut I've ever had in my life. So, here's to donuts. Donut be discouraged. This too shall pass.