I couldn't save you

Or you. Or you. I couldn't save any of you and I feel a hole in me where all my big sister superpowers used to be. I wanted you to stay oblivious. I wanted you to only remember the charm of life. I wanted you to always run to me and hug me tight and stay right there in my arms and always be my little brothers. Your eyes don't have the same twinkle. You've seen some of the ugliness of the world. And there's nothing I can do to erase it. I hate that. Even though it's inevitable, even though I knew one day this day would come, even though it's a part of life... I hate it. I love you, my three little brothers. So much more than any of you know. I wish you knew. 

Avery Grace turns 4!

Four years ago on this very day, October 14th, a sweet, little bundle of joy entered the world and came crashing right into the very center of my heart. I am so thankful that God's ways are bigger and so much greater than mine, because she has made everything brighter since the moment she opened those beautiful blue eyes. Truth be told, I didn't want a little sister. I was really upset, actually, at the mere idea of it. I was desperately clinging to what little emotional bond I still felt like I could share with my dad and I was so afraid that this would be the last thread finally snapping in half and completely disconnecting he and I forever. Little did I know that Avery Grace would become the thing holding us together. I am so sorry that I ever disliked the idea of you, sissy, because now I want you to know that my love for you is larger than my heart can even handle, it feels like. I look at you and my heart is filled to the brim with absolute sunshine, with pure sugar, with warmth and gladness and JOY. You light me up. You radiate beauty, innocence, and grace. Your life is a true story of God's grace. I love that about you and I can't wait to tell you that story one day. I pray every day that you will always, always  know how much I love you, no matter what. I feel like what little talent I have for the artistic use of language just completely disintegrates when I start to talk about you, because I am at a loss for words. Avery, you are fully and completely wonderful in every, single way, and God's favor is all over you. I could not be more proud to be your big sister. I cannot wait to see what God does through you and where he takes you. I love you so much. Happy 4th birthday, princess.

My love for you is like a force

It's 1:37 AM. I don't understand how the night runs away from me so quickly like that. I just finished a book called Love Letters to the Dead. It was the most painful thing I've ever read. It was also the most beautiful thing I've ever read. 

It reminded me that life is like that. Painful. And so, so beautiful. Sometimes I just don't get it. I want to stay here on earth forever. Why does that make me a bad person? Why is it so wrong that I have fallen in love with being alive? 

I love the way the soft, October breeze feels on my cheekbones. Like the air is kissing me. I love the way the sun looks when it's rising and when it's sinking, like there's nothing more brave than that light, coming and going exactly when it is supposed to, dutifully doing its job, silently yet so brilliantly. I want to be like the sun. I want to be a light. I want to be beautiful even when I'm fading. 

I feel misunderstood a lot of times, but somehow I don't really mind it. 

I often think that if people really knew what goes on in my head, these kinds of thoughts, they would think I am crazy. But I don't really care. I like being me even when I feel the weight of the world on my heart.

I love Brady because he simply accepts me for me. I don't think he always understands everything I say or write or even do. But that's not what matters. Because I know that he will love me with his whole heart even when he doesn't understand. And that, to me, is what it means to really love someone. You know them better than anyone else does, yet still you don't know them fully. You don't understand them fully because you can't. No one can. Yet you love them so much that you feel you could explode, even the parts of them you'll never understand. That's how Brady and I are. We love each other that way. I can feel it. 

My love for him is like a force. It's powerful. It's more than I could ever put into words. 

All I know is that October, the sun, and Brady are three reasons why I love being alive.